The Last Word On Nothing

Have you noticed Mar-a-Lago face popping up in pop culture? It’s freaky. Certain conservative women and billionaires’ second wives—people who started out looking perfectly fine—now have puffy lips, exaggerated cheeks, and eyes that look perpetually surprised. I finally figured out what they remind me of: marionettes. They look like marionettes. With control-me, make-me-dance strings definitely implied. 

Certain conservative men are promoting a hypermasculine version of this display, called “looksmaxxing.” They’re also doping themselves with testosterone and getting injections to enlarge their penis. 

Politics isn’t incidental here; the MAGA movement is all about enforcing and glorifying a strict gender binary. We’re being pelted with propaganda about warriors and tradwives, all of it infused with ultra-gendered, white-supremacist beauty standards. (Perversely, the same people who prize gender-caricaturing procedures for cis people are denying gender-affirming care to trans people.) These distortions of true beauty have unfortunately escaped containment from the propaganda channel (Fox News) and the social media Nazi bar (X). 

Misuse of GLP-1 agonists is making it easier for people to lose dangerous amounts of weight. Pop culture has celebrated extreme thinness for decades (even though every generation thinks they invented eating disorders (and sex)), but most people couldn’t look like Twiggy. Now Hollywood and fashion shows are bringing back heroin chic. 

Plastic surgery procedures doubled from 1999 to 2018. The cosmetics industry attempts to make people so insecure about their appearance that they’ll buy expensive age-defying products that do not, in fact, defy age. The sociopathic, eugenicist head of the Health and Human Services is trying to deny kids vaccines but let them use tanning beds.

We can resist all this nonsense. We do not have to participate, and can instead pity or mock those who do. We can define and appreciate beauty according to our own values, beauty that’s real, beauty that isn’t complicit with oppression. And by beauty I mean any flavor of beauty: masculine, feminine, nonbinary, gender-conforming, gender-nonconforming beauty. Trans people, you are beautiful, and I’m so proud of you. 

I want to say to anybody who is worried about their appearance: Honey, you look great. Nobody’s judging you, and if they are, they’re no good for you. You’re glorious! Your eyes sparkle when you smile.

When I was in my 20s, I had one friend with super straight hair and another friend with super curly hair. They got into a conversation about hair, and the first told the second she’d always wanted curly hair and the second told the first she’d always wished her hair were straight. They both, of course, had beautiful hair. And so do you! And if you don’t have much hair, that’s beautiful, too.

You know what else is beautiful? Kindness. Attentiveness. Competence. Enthusiasm. Courage. Making people feel welcome. Your sunglasses look sharp! Did someone make that bracelet for you? It’s beautiful. So are those shoes that let you walk with confidence, not like a wobbly marionette in high heels. 

You don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful, or to be healthy. In fact, people who are overweight according to their body mass index have a lower risk of death than people who have a “normal” BMI. Eat plenty of vegetables and find an exercise that’s fun for you; you’ll be fine.

You don’t have to be young to be beautiful. For anybody who is worried about looking old: You are as young as you will ever be. In 20 or 40 years, your future self will wish your current self had appreciated the body you have now. Enjoy what works and don’t worry about wrinkles or whatnot. It’s fine if you have age spots—I hope you had fun in the sun. (If they’re from tanning beds, well, now we know better.) Your hair is still beautiful, or if it’s gone, that’s beautiful. Not caring if you look old is beautiful. Did you know older people have bigger vocabularies than younger people? Think of all the books you’ve read, people you’ve met, lessons you’ve learned. Wisdom is beautiful. You’re alive and that’s beautiful, you gorgeous old thing.