We are obsessed with the idea that Homo sapiens and Neanderthals interbred. But really, would the two species be compatible? Homo sapiens are flaky artists; Neanderthals are all business. Nevertheless maybe a Neanderthal guy found himself falling for a Homo sapiens gal. Here’s some belated advice:
1. A well-tailored set of animal skins is certainly a turn-on, despite the fact that your Homo sapiens gal lacks a pronounced brow ridge and has a poor excuse for a nose. Still never call a date “Flat Face.” It’s rude.
2. Her brain might be smaller than your brain , but she’s not necessarily dumber than you. Avoid being condescending, even when she brags, “My cousin Dickie can count a herd of woolly mammoths.” Never answer, “It only takes one woolly mammoth to kill Dickie, darling.”
3. All women like strong men, and you’re well equipped to impress a Homo sapiens gal. Compared with the men of her species, you might be shorter but you’re broader and look as if you can take a woolly mammoth down all by yourself. Show off those muscular forearms by casually lifting her up as often as possible or casually hurl small boulders out of the way during a moonlight stroll.
4. When hurling boulders, try to avoid hitting a Homo sapiens man. For some inexplicable reason, Homo sapiens females also like vulnerable — a species-specific contradiction it seems — and often takes the side of the injured man, even in a fair fight.
5. Because Homo sapiens gals like it when you do vulnerable, bemoan your lack of a chin, she’ll say she likes you just the way you are.
6. Having said that, contrary to what the lady says about liking you just the way you are, remember that size probably matters. Make sure that when you decide to get intimate that you’ve got the goods. According to some sources, Homo sapiens gals are particularly attracted to a penis that’s roughly 12.8 to 14.2 centimetres long. (Flaccid length, that is.) Bigger than that, you might scare her off. (Smaller, well, it’s no sin to take matters into your own hands.)
7. So, things are going well. Your Homo sapiens gal moves in with you but she finds your place cold and spartan. Do not show fear when she creates fire all by herself, or ask her how it’s done without lightning strikes. Just enjoy the warmth. She probably has no clue you can’t make fire. Leave the decorating to her too. Tell her the drawings on the cave walls really do look like woolly mammoths and suggest that she spice up your sex life by creating intimate pictorials of Homo sapiens with Neanderthals.
8. You’ve been away all day hunting woolly mammoths. You get back to camp and your Homo sapiens gal presents you with a necklace. A necklace! What about some vegetables? would it have killed her to go out and forage during the day? Just say thank you and wear it. And yes, you have to share the steak. Homo sapiens gals are sentimental — tell her you will wear the beaded and braided necklace on each hunt. Practice coitus interruptus since it might not be a good idea to extend her genetic line.
8. Each hunt it’s important to remove the necklace after leaving camp. Remember what happened to Ned — a woolly mammoth tusk slid under the leather cord, lifted Ned from the ground and he choked to death before the braided cord — so well made! — broke. Of course, it made the hunt easier since the mammoth was distracted. Still, not a good hunting strategy overall.
9. You get back to camp and she’s made you a fringed jacket, with countless — so what if you can’t count, you’ve brought steak home again — beads sewn to the fringe ends. They make an annoying clacking sound every time you move. She insists you wear it while you make love. Do it, the Neanderthal women you’re now lusting after will have an idea of how long you can last.
10. You’ve grown to loathe the jewelry, the cave paintings, the beads sewn on clothes, no vegetables, and having to share your food with an “artiste.” Although you have grown fond of fire on demand, and mastering the technology seems beyond you. Still, you can keep the fire going and get rid of the maker. Take her on a weekend get-a-way to a cave with blank walls near an expanding glacier. She will be so caught up creating “art” you can steal away back to the camp and with luck, the glacier will cover the cave by the time she realizes she’s hungry or her people go looking for her. You’ll be safe from their wrath, they’ll think you were too dumb to plan it. And those hot Neanderthal gals? They might wear shapeless frocks but they’ve got vegetables.
____________
Jude Isabella is a Canadian science writer (and recreational anthropologist). One of her favourite all-time books is the 21st century classic, Bigfoot: I Not Dead by Graham Roumieu. (That bastard crazy.)
Photo credits: Neozoon, Ökologix
11. Don’t take Clan of the Cave Bear too seriously.
I think we now have a clear picture of why the Neanderthals died out: not enough beads or fringed jackets.
this article was very funny and informative !!