The Last Word On Nothing

Gratitude is supposed to be good for you. In study after study (enough to suggest the finding replicates), people who practiced simple acts of gratitude, like just listing stuff they’re thankful for, became less stressed, more optimistic, and more satisfied with their lives. That’s nice! 

But let’s talk instead about how gratitude can help other people feel better. Giving someone sincere and thoughtful thanks can help them feel understood, appreciated, connected, inspired, empowered. (Okay, sometimes also embarrassed.) Thanking people well is a skill that gets better with practice. So let’s practice. 

The first thing to do is make time to thank people. If you’re busy (and we’re all busy), you can schedule a weekly “thank people” appointment on your calendar. If you keep a To Do list, stick thank yous on there. If you have a checklist of steps for a work project, add a thanks item. Send a bunch of messages around Thanksgiving telling people why you’re thankful for them.

I’ve been an editor for a lot of different publications, and writers say they like to work with me. (I realize some of them might have been angling for an assignment.) One reason, I think, is that I thank them throughout the editing process: Thanks for this idea, for this pitch, for this update, for including such interesting and varied sources, for your insight, for turning this around so quickly, for this clarifying metaphor, for making me laugh, for (sniff!) making me cry. 

Shortly after I started a job at the Washington Post, one of the reporters said, in mock indignation: “Laura, what are you doing? Nobody says thank you here!” And you know what? The Post, and most newsrooms, and most organizations in general, would be much better workplaces if leadership had more gratitude and less attitude. 

Thank someone for their intent. This one is tricky because you don’t want to be presumptuous and claim to know their motivations. But you can express gratitude for the intent as you perceive it: Thank you for your kindness, your generosity, your willingness to consider a weird idea. 

Thank someone for their impact. Thank you for writing this article. I was sick and miserable when I read it, and it made me laugh. Thank you for bringing the conversation back to Mia’s idea when Brad spoke over her at the meeting. I think you built up her confidence and helped us decide on a better plan. Thank you for inviting me to your lovely and delicious party. It reminded me that there are so many interesting people in our orbit and inspired me to host a party after the holidays. I hope you can come. 

Thank someone to manipulate them (in a good way). If you thank a colleague for mentoring an intern, especially if you’re a manager, they’ll be more enthusiastic about helping the next newbie. If you thank your boss for explaining something about the organization’s strategy, they’ll think you’re a great listener and want to keep you updated. If someone consistently takes more credit than they deserve, thank them for collaborating with someone else. 

Thank someone for routine or seemingly small things. Gratitude is the opposite of taking-for-granted-itude. Thank you for letting me vent about work. Thank you for finding cranberries in the back of the freezer. Thank you for inviting me to join your Slack group; I enjoy your company so much. Thank you for calling; it’s great to hear your voice. 

Add thanks to a compliment to make it more memorable and meaningful. Those are cool shoes! Thank you for brightening up our stuffy workplace. Your shoes inspire me to have more fun with color. 

Add thanks to an apology. Start with the apology; don’t skimp on that. I’m so sorry I’m late for lunch. I got tangled up at work and misjudged the distance. That’s good, but it forces the other person into a narrow range of socially acceptable responses: It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Glad you made it. If you tack on a thank you, it bumps the conversation out of that trap: Thank you for finding this restaurant. Thank you for making time to catch up. I’ve been pretty overwhelmed by It All, and seeing you brightens up the dark days of winter. 

Add thanks to condolences. When I lost a job, wonderfully kind people sent me messages that gave me strength, comfort, and solidarity. Many of them included a note of thanks. Thank you for giving me a chance. Thanks for your advice when you guest-lectured in a class 10 years ago. Thank you for encouraging me to write my book. Thank you for helping me recover after I made a mistake. I’m so thankful for these messages that they still (sniff!) make me cry. 

So Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Thank you for being part of our community of readers, writers, commenters, and sharers at Last Word on Nothing. Please share your own advice for giving good thanks, or tell us about what you’re thankful for. Gratitude is a powerful practice.