The Last Word On Nothing

ingredients:

• good friends you trust
• a list of things you need permission for
• time, space
• snot bandana and/or tissues (optional but recommended)

instructions:

1. gather
2. share and explain your list of things you need permission for
3. friends give you permission: i hereby give you permission to….
4. give permission to self: i give myself permission to….
5. cry (optional)

notes: kate, our friend tien, and i have been working on various big and new projects (personal and professional), which has brought various big and new feelings into our lives. (“what gives me the right to do this?” i thought. “doesn’t someone else need to sign off on this?!”) to give ourselves permission to lean into these changes, we held a permission ceremony last week. we loved it so much we wanted to share our experience with the fine people of LWON. kate and i hopped on gchat (yes, gchat still exists!) to debrief and explain; our conversation is below.

Kate: wow this is magical

Jane: hiiiiiii welcome back to gchat

Kate: this is WILD

Kate: i truly feel like i’ve fallen through a wormhole

Jane: it’s 2010

Kate: i need to start blasting Fall Out Boy (not something i ever actually stopped doing) and add more eyeliner

Kate: i have to say, as bad as everything is, at least i’m not 2010 kate anymore

Jane: hahah i was just thinking the same thing. i was just pruning my rhododendron bush and 2010 jane would be so bored by me. i also started sketching out my garden! and realized how the permission ceremony kind of helped give me.. permission… to do that

Jane: but maybe getting ahead of myself? if we’re going to post this maybe we should talk about how the permission ceremony came about?

Kate: before we do, i just went back in my google calendar to this date in 2010 and it’s really boring. but on april 9, 2010 i had some event labeled “chicken martha party” and i have NO idea what that was

Kate: ok ok on with the show

Jane: i actually don’t really remember how the permission ceremony thing came about. i think we were all just talking about our next projects, and how we felt somehow unsure that we were allowed to proceed?

Kate: hmm. i think you and tien and i were talking about a big upcoming project and you mentioned that you felt like you weren’t allowed to do something that you are patently qualified (and allowed) to do. you said felt like you were waiting for some sort of permission and then i think one of us (me?) offered to give you permission

Jane: i like that in my head i revised it to “we were all unsure” when it was me. that is telling

Jane: in my memory you were definitely the one who had the idea for an actual ceremony!

Kate: because i’m me, i got all hyped up about the concept and suggested we turn it into a Thing

Kate: i thought about making Paperless Post invitations but managed to rein myself in

Jane: i loved that you made a calendar invite so it was all official! “Permission Ceremony✨,” with the sparkle

Kate: i think the original plan for the ceremony was that we would each show up at the Zoom meeting with a short list of items that we feel we need permission for.

Jane: the permission ceremony make me think: it’s so important to have your friends’ support when you’re going through something. and i think that’s why the permission ceremony was so powerful for me — i just needed friends to be In It with me for a bit

Kate: yes. 100%.

Jane: writing, in particular, is so solitary and knowing that your people are invested in your happiness and success is often a total game changer for me

Kate: so much. remember the bat writing contest? you are on the other side of this continent but i felt like you were holding my hand through that entire awards ceremony, and holding my disappointment afterward.

Jane: hahaha kate i have ranted to other people about how you should’ve won that bat writing contest and tried to send a friend a link to that poem but realized it hasn’t been published yet*

Kate: it’s coming out next week! and also, thank you, that is extremely validating

[*Kate’s poem has since been published and you can read it here!]

Jane: so for the ceremony: i remember sitting down to write down the items i wanted permission for, and being kind of surprised that they weren’t concrete items, but really abstract things! how did it feel for you?

Kate: before the ceremony i made a short list and all the items were quite concrete. but when i got there and we started talking i realized that my list had a theme, and that all the things that feel forbidden or off-limits to me really boiled down to the same thing, ultimately — that i felt, and often feel, as though i am not allowed or supposed to thrive. that i’m supposed to struggle and be unhappy. not succeed. i realized that i really needed to hear that i’m allowed to be ok, or even great.

Jane: you are great and are allowed to be great!

Kate: don’t make me cry again!

Kate: one of the many things that surprised me about this ceremony was how different our items were, but i was not surprised to realize that underneath, they’re all really kind of the same thing.

Jane: yes! mine was permission to fail, which kind of sounds like the opposite of yours, but i think spiritually is actually the same. basically: that we all felt like we should be doing or feeling something other than the thing we actually want for ourselves.

Kate: exactly. that who we are, presently, is wrong in some way.

Jane: as you know, i cried a lot! i was really surprised by how much emotion i felt just in admitting to close friends that i was afraid to suck!

Kate: it was surprisingly emotional. i’m used to being authentic with you all but this was a whole new level of vulnerability.

Jane: the part i loved the most was realizing that we, of course, were very keen on giving each other permission, but giving OURSELVES permission was the hard part, and that’s actually what we wanted to do

Kate: oof, that was the WORST. it was hard to even get the words out! i had to try 3 times!

Jane: like, i already knew that you both were ok with me showing up imperfectly places! but having you all witness me saying that i allow myself to do that was really hard but rewarding

Kate: self-compassion is so hard.

Jane: if we were to do this again, do you think we would use the same format? or would we recommend it to anyone else who wants to do this with friends? i think part of the magic was the in-the-moment creation.

Kate: well, i’d *definitely* recommend it to anyone. i agree that some of the magic was watching it unfold in real time as we discovered what we actually needed (our own permission) and how to care for each other as we provided it. if we did it again, we could start with the same format but expect that it will transform, if we let it, if we hold it lightly enough and don’t take ourselves too seriously. if someone wanted to do this, what instructions/tips would you give?

Jane: step 1, or maybe step 0, is that it has to be with friends you really, really, really trust

Kate: mmm. yes.

Jane: i think you also have to do a little introspection before the ceremony so you know what you want to give yourself permission for, at least enough to explain it to friends. and i think you have to really, really believe that the ceremony has weight! there’s a reason humans have rituals — something about going through this experience together made me feel like i had some kind of new superpower

Kate: yes! so much! i also felt a surge of unconditional love for you both afterward, as evidenced by my extremely sappy texts

Kate: i think bookending the ceremony with a few minutes of meditation really helped me

Jane: oh i loved that! it really brought me into the moment. we were all tuning in at the end of our days and it was helpful to have a little buffer between the ceremony and everything else.

Kate: definitely. is there anything you wish we’d done differently, or that you’d do differently next time?

Jane: i remember that before the ceremony, i wanted to surprise you all with silly little certificates to cement the experience and was kind of beating myself up about not having enough time to actually do it, but in retrospect, that attitude was exactly what i was trying to get permission to let go of!so i guess i would’ve tried to go in with less of a plan and remember i could just trust that the format would all come naturally

Kate: oooh, interesting! i had considered bringing in more ceremonial nonsense–a little bell to ring, or some sort of formal vow–but i pulled back because i figured i was already being A Lot with all this. some clever echoes of our permission needs here.

Jane: i mean i would’ve loved it just the same if you had brought a bell or something super formal! but it felt good to just relax into it. like, why be stressed about trying to plan a thing that is supposed to lower your stress? and yet…

Jane: JUST SHOW UP AND BE LOVED

Kate: the You Are Too Much/You Are Not Enough trance is potent.

Kate: well, i am grateful to you for this entire thing, and for your courage in admitting to us in the first place that you felt like you needed permission. that gave us the nudge to tell you the same.

Jane: not to get too meta but even posting about this in LWON, i am worried about showing up imperfectly! like, what gives me the right to talk about this thing we did, and am i saying the right things about it to convey why it was special?

Kate: i’m nodding emphatically

Jane: but i love that you are here with me, and i hope we conveyed even like, 5% of the magic!

Kate: we totally did.

Jane: ok i’m calling it. we did!