The Last Word On Nothing

2021 was 2021, but we found things even in 2021 life to be proud of. Being pragmatic, we aim low.

Ben: – sort of taught my thirty-pound terrier/pug mix (who is also Jane’s dog’s doppeldogger) to skijor 
– with a group of fellow Olds, destroyed a group of local teenagers in a game of pickup basketball 
– plowed my car into a snowbank while watching coyotes frolic in a field and had to be rescued by a friendly Montanan

Jane: – had my 1st aural migraine
– found a cool stick and hung it in my office
– rewatched titanic without crying
– stopped texting friends every time i felt a word was wrongly omitted from Spelling Bee
– saw Brood X cicadas
– got a hat with an image of a hat on it

Kate: Ate, drank, and bathed in enough seaweed and seaweed products to smother a sperm whale
– Built enough trust with a wild blue jay that she started eating from my hand
– Took up surfing, fell off my training board in my living room, broke both wrists, needed surgery, was out of work and completely helpless for six weeks, but listen, I took up surfing
– Discovered fleece-lined tights (they’re like cozy blankets! on your legs!), will never wear anything else in winter ever again
– Started singing, consciously and intentionally, for a few minutes every day, and have heard my weak, reedy voice grow stronger and fuller
–  These sandwiches and this pizza, and no, I will not shut up about them, you need to eat them immediately
– Saw my siblings for the first time in two years, hugged them tight, danced with them in the kitchen and bathroom and living room until we all fell down laughing

Ann: – against every instinct, crept out of my house; and even though slammed right back in by omicron, will continue mousily creeping out
– recognized when enough fleece-lined sweatpants were enough and I needn’t buy more 
– increasingly able to read to the bottom of the webpage before clicking Reply or Order

Jessa: – Watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade from the vantage of a second-storey window on Central Park West making eye contact with the characters on the floats, and free from the turkey be-hatted crowd below.
– Finally started physiotherapy for a nagging injury and found out that I enjoy it a weird amount. Now spend every Sunday morning blissed out. Is this a thing like how I’m the only one who had an ecstatic experience of being in labor?
– Stopped being a martyr and hired a cleaning lady
– The Christmas stockings I made for the cats were a huge hit, especially the animatronic fish that struggles when attacked.

Craig: -Saw a human mandible on the ground dug up by a badger at an archaeological site
– Walked a seven-mile-long bridge across San Francisco Bay with nary another pedestrian the entire time
– Looked up randomly at two different times to see satellites streaming toward space,and thought it was the end of the world both times
– Got on an airplane for the first time in a year and a half and didn’t bite anyone

Helen: – Made waffles on a gas grill
– Worked out at home without anyone telling me to (only once, but it happened)
– Made overalls out of an old IKEA duvet cover 
– Taught knitting, a craft that is meant to be learned at your grandmother’s knee so she can grab the needles and fix whatever you just did, over Zoom
 – Explored the neighborhood alleys

Cameron: -got kids back to in person school. This is really my major accomplishment of the year and I feel like I’m still recovering from it, but:
– started a small surf club. There are four of us, the SOGs (slightly older groms) [Ed.: a grom, according to the Urban Dictionary, is “a young kid, usually under the age of 15, that likes to surf or skateboard. . .Groms are usually super chill and positive.”]
– took a knitting class from Helen and finished a scarf!

Eric: – Straightened my desk in the office so it isn’t (so) obscenely cluttered.
– Assembled a window screen that alllllmost fits the space perfectly.
– Got a new pair of glasses and have so far cleaned the lenses only with the complimentary microfibre square, rather than the (steel)wool sweater I wear all the time.
– Got invited to contribute to LWON! [Ed.: truly our pleasure]

Emily: – Laughed until I peed twice* — not often enough, but not nothing.
– Listened to more than 80 audiobooks, mostly while washing dishes in the sink and daydreaming about getting a dishwashing machine. Forgot most of them.
– Bought new sponges! Twice!
– Discovered the best and perhaps only way to read a physical book: tucked inside a sleeping bag, in a hammock, with a large thermos of boozy hot chocolate.
– Temporarily recovered (then abandoned) capacity for long-term planning; found motivational nadir; embraced it.
– Saw (and ranted about) Starlink.
– Accepted that I am too much of a slacker to keep up with Slack.
– Ran rivers in all weathers, got screeched at by kingfishers, harrassed by otters.
– Ever so slowly, began to question my habitual rejection of popular so-called “wellness” activities like breathing and drinking water.
– Downloaded Uber for the first time in two years; took one ride across Los Angeles, deleted app.
– In Los Angeles, tried goat yoga! (*and laughed until I peed).

Christie: -read a murder mystery for the first time in years
-went off grid in the mountains and drank whiskey, sang songs and danced with friends
-made five figures speaking on zoom
-went on a writing retreat and did not write a single word
-learned that I am more resilient than I knew

Richard: – Lost 30 pounds. Granted ten of them were due to pandemic gain, and more of them than I’d like to admit were probably due to a follicular retreat on my forehead, but the rest were a test of fortitude.

Rebecca: – Went snowshoeing while pregnant
-Saw my best friend for the first time in two years
-Fed a giraffe at the community zoo (yes, I know, but an actual giraffe ate romaine from my hand and from my daughter’s hand)
-Had a baby
-Attempted to recover from the shock of having said baby
-Went to the desert
-Wrote a lot, published very little

Jennifer: – Got a book contact
– Worked on said book
– Didn’t implode (yet) working on said book while working a regular job
– Flipped a turtle (back onto its feet)
– Cut out sugar
– Went back to eating sugar
– Shit, guys…I’ve got nuthin….. [Ed.: Au contraire, Mme. Jennifer]

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Photos of peacocks: Jebulon via Wikimedia Commons