The Last Word On Nothing

I’ve begun to wonder if, on one’s 50th birthday, a switch flips that loosens all that was tight and squeezes everything else in a vice grip. It seems that in the middle years basic gestures can cause lasting injuries. Bruises appear out of nowhere. My same-age friends and I compare aches and pains, and we all agree that our physical lives have lurched onto a new bone-jarring path.

A while back I started jotting down notes about my daily twinges, recalling the ridiculous ways I’ve caused myself enough pain to yell “ow!” or some other heavier complaint. Here are 19 of them. True stories, all.

KEY:

B: Back
K: Knee(s)
S: Shoulder(s)
G: General/Hard to pinpoint

–Sitting in one position for more than 10 minutes (especially with legs crossed) (B,K)
–Getting up from seated or prone position, esp. after binging entire British crime series (B,K)
–Reaching high cabinet shelf for Cheerios box (B,S)
–Walking poorly behaved dog (B,S)
–Twisting in front of the mirror to see if skirt is caught in waistband (It is.) (B,K,G)
–Pulling off left boot (B,G)
–Lifting frozen chicken from chest freezer (B,S)
–Tensing up at dentist when water spray hits receding gums (G)
–Flailing after walking through spider web (B,S,G)
–Bending knee while looking back to check for dog shit in shoe treads (it’s there) (K,S,G)
–Opening jar of Kalamata olives (B,S)
–Moving wet towels to dryer (B,S)
–Ripping open Amazon box to get at six-pack of kitchen sponges/new turkey baster (B,S)
–Yelling at husband to turn down the sausages/TV (G)
–Climbing (or descending) stairs (K)
–Tripping over invisible obstacle/edge of rug (K,B,S,G)
–Opening window (B,S)
–Waving at UBER driver while dragging roller bag over curb (B,G)
–Laughing (esp. when followed by ugly crying, as is the norm) (G)

Does aging have to hurt? Is it inevitable that we go to pieces, both physically and mentally, once we’ve survived a certain amount of time?

I investigated this question, albeit briefly, and thought I’d share some of the better news I found. A study in the Journal of Geriatrics reported that the widely held stereotypes about aging—that it’s a time of ill health, loneliness, dependency, and poor mental and physical functioning–misrepresent many older adults’ real experiences. Buying into those stereotypes, called “stereotype embodiment,” can, in itself, increase the likelihood of having a poor aging experience. Assumptions may even dissuade people from getting medical help that could improve that experience (e.g., if you assume hip pain is just a reality of getting old, you may not bother to get professional help that could alleviate symptoms). People without negative expectations tend to live longer than the ready-to-be-miserable crowd. (I question that last bit. The oldest people in my family are storm clouds, not rays of sunshine. But my family is Jewish. So.)

There’s a mental side to this as well. In one study, older people who had spent years taking in, and believing, negative age-related stereotypes about memory and brain function actually tested as cognitively weaker than those not weighed down by such assumptions.

As for pain, many of us expect it will be chronic and that it will worsen with time. But it turns out chronic pain disorders are less common in older adults than younger, as are headaches and abdominal pain, and even lower back pain. It’s a myth, according to researchers, that pain is always more intense in older people or that it will progress with years. Which is, as I said, all good news.

Does it mean, then, that my “I spent all day yesterday on the toilet” aunt had a say over her gut’s chronic unhappiness? Hmmmm. Could a better attitude earlier on have meant my dear old dad would do less moaning and groaning and take fewer trips to the ER for “definite” heart attacks that turn out to be acid reflux or, most often, nothing at all? Perhaps. (Please don’t tell them. There’s no sense pointing fingers at this late date.)

But I’d question whether attitude can change whether you get arthritis or need a hip replaced. No doubt you can adjust your expectations of your body and even how you react to pain, but joints wear out, systems fail, bodies crumble all the way down to their basic building blocks. Research on pluripotent stem cells—those remarkable bits that convert into a plethora of vital cells—tells us their ability to self-renew deteriorates over the years, as does their ability to differentiate into the cells that make our systems go. The body can only shore itself up so many times. 

The same 2017 report above noted what sounds almost like something from the Onion: that aging is one of the greatest risk factors for most human diseases. “Of roughly 150,000 people who die each day across the globe,” the authors write, “about two thirds die from age-related causes.”

Surprise! Old age will kill you. And frankly, I say its our God-given right to suffer aloud along the way. (Again, Jewish.)

Good on ya if you can ignore the negative stereotypes about getting old: Who needs any extra encouragement to feel like crap? If you don’t assume you’re deteriorating, maybe you’ll trust that you can handle more activity…and more activity is generally good for you, and makes you stronger, which means you’ll do even more active stuff, and so on. It’s a win-win. In that way, I suppose, you actually can affect whether certain ailments come for you.

Plus, having a shitty outlook can be depressing, which isn’t great for the immune system, some scientists say. And a weakened immune system is a bad thing if thugs like irritable bowel or even cancer are lurking. So, again, I guess I sort of see what the researchers were saying about not letting the stereotypes get you down.

But I think I need to just embrace my current trajectory. It’s in my DNA, my gut, and at least one knee. And because this: As I stood at the counter typing this essay–because standing is supposed to be healthier than sitting–my sciatica screamed down my leg like someone had sliced my ass cheek with a sword.

Note to self: Add 20th item to above list.

“Writing, especially about how better attitude could have prevented current misery.” (B,K,G)