Redux: Silver Lining

September must be my preferred house-cleaning time, because once again, I was purging things in closets this weekend. And like last year, when I wrote this post, I found a disgusting amount of silverfish. (I feel a little better that it’s not just me: even my very organized and clean neighbor says she finds them hiding in nooks and crannies.) The silverfish love moisture, so it sounds like we can either keep our houses airtight or airlift them to the desert, where a different variety of insects await. I suppose I must make peace with my creepy friends. And also I’ll try to clean the closets more often.

 

I felt so successful this weekend. I cleaned out multiple closets, filled bags with clothes that I’ve been keeping since college, organized the box of “just-in-case” kid coloring books and trinkets that I save for emergencies. When I open the closet in the morning, there’s a neat row of clothes hanging in a line, there’s all this white space…ahhhh. Another doesn’t even have clothes in it any more! Doesn’t it look lovely? (And that maybe there’s room for a new shirt or two?)

But alas. There is something else that I found in these closets, something that is not as easy to get rid of as the 90s band t-shirts and the single socks. (I didn’t really get rid of the 90s band T-shirts. I put them in a pile that I’m using to make a T-shirt quilt. I’ve been working on this quilt for 10 years, but that’s another story.) I didn’t take a photo of these things, because they move too fast, and because I dislike them so much.

Oh, silverfish. There are other gross things that don’t bother me. But silverfish creep me out with a primal sort of creepiness, a deep evolutionary shiver. Ugh.

And now I know even more about them. They like places that are moist. (Even that word is problematic, and also makes me wonder why my closet is damp.) Their mating ritual lasts a half an hour, and has multiple steps. First, there is antennae touching. Then, the female chases the male. Then there’s some wiggling before the male deposits a spermatophore for the female to take. (A Friday treat: the Bug Chicks recreation of silverfish and springfish mating, complete with mustaches!)

The species of silverfish that are making themselves at home in my home are Lepisma saccharina. Their name gives you an idea of what they eat: sugars and starches. But they’d do fine on a paleo diet, too, because they can go for weeks without eating. (One silverfish spent 300 days in a jar without food or water.) Some species can absorb water through their rectum.

When they can eat, they like all sorts of household things. Grains, book paper, starches in clothing and wallpaper, photos, hair, their own exoskeletons.

Clean closet 2! Still likely has silverfish, somewhere.

If I needed something eaten I would call a silverfish.

There don’t seem to be holes in my clothes or books, but they still appear whenever I move another load of things out of a closet. They scuttle. Silverfish have been scuttling like this for years; their ancestors are some of the earliest insects, appearing more than 400 million years ago.

I’ve been trying to think of something redeeming about them so that I can coexist more peacefully; it’s unlikely I’ve found all of them, and we have enough nooks and crannies that new ones will appear in places I haven’t yet reached. It is true that they don’t bite and don’t carry diseases. But maybe their benefit to me to keep me prying into the dark corners to find the things that make me shiver. That’s the only way to get the light in.

**

Top photo is 41 stacked microscopic images of a silverfish’s “forehead” by Flickr user Specious Reasons/Creative Commons license

 

Redux: Unwelcome Worm

This post originally ran on April 23, 2015. But people are still developing maggot infestations. Yes, even here in the US. So it’s still relevant. Read on and be disgusted all over again. 

I’m not the kind of girl who ordinarily irons her underwear. But two weeks ago I found myself hunched over a flimsy wooden board doing just that. I was visiting friends in Mozambique, and they assured me that everything must be ironed—shirts, pants, sheets, towels, and, yes, even underwear. It’s not about aesthetics. You need the heat to kill the tiny eggs that a female mango fly might have laid on your damp clothes while they dried on the line. If you don’t iron, the eggs will hatch, and the mango fly larvae will burrow into your skin, feast on your flesh, and emerge a week or so later as plump, white maggots.

So this is why I spent a sunny afternoon while on vacation ironing. You can imagine what a nuisance these insects would be if they infiltrated your underwear. Oh wait. You don’t have to imagine. Here’s a case report of an 11-year-old boy who showed up at a British emergency room with “a firm, ovoid, motile mass” on the head of his penis. Motile because the mass contained a wriggling maggot about the size of a pinto bean. The boy had recently visited Somalia. Continue reading

I Don’t Like Parenting

I have a confession to make. I’m worried that I don’t like parenting.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being a parent. And I definitely love my kid. I like hanging with my family, grilling dinner, listening to my son babble incoherently as my wife giggles and pretends to understand. But the actual work of child-rearing, I don’t know that I like it.

There’s the potty training, sleep training, diaper changing, life changing, sick kid, then sick wife and sick me right afterwards. There is screaming and whining and spilling and peeing in the wrong places. Weekend mountaineering adventures have turned to two-hour trips to a pond that take two more hours to prepare and clean up after.

And playing with my child isn’t what I expected either. When I imagined playing with my son, I envisioned throwing a baseball, wrestling, teaching him to rock climb. But my kid can barely catch a rubber ball thrown from five feet away, let alone shag fly balls.

And the worst thing is that I know I have it so much easier than many parents. He doesn’t have any intellectual or physical disabilities, he’s mostly calm and obedient, has an amazing smile, sleeps through the night and just wants to to hug his daddy all the time. It’s like someone programmed him on “Beginner Parent, Level One.” I really should be enjoying this. So what’s the deal?

Continue reading

The Last Word

Valentine with image of spacecraft and motto: "Are you 60 grams of carbonaceous asteroid regolith? Because you're just what I've been searching for.August 27 – 31, 2018, the week in which “regolith” appears not once but twice.

The People of LWON, bug-lovers every one of them, are nevertheless united in their loathing of sprickets.  They share their feelings but have murder on their minds.

Rose doesn’t live in NYC any more bet when she did, she calmed herself by watching traffic camera movies.  Then she wondered what cameras might be watching her back. Her GIF game is strong.

Sally writes Part 2 of her brilliant, searing, and fictional expose of the multiverse, including regoliths and the dismantlement of Roko’s Basilisk.  It doesn’t end well but I blame that on the maggots.

Christie continues the high-risk literary adventure by taking spam comments and turning them into poetry, sheer poetry.

Emma shows you why letting an eco-writer loose on space science is such a splendid idea:  she makes me love Bennu as much as she does.

 

 

Bennu: The Hype is Real

A computer generated graphic with an asteroid shown just slightly taller than a drawing of the Empire State Building the the Eiffel Tower

For the past two years, I have been following the voyage of OSIRIS-REx, a spacecraft headed to an asteroid called Bennu. Bennu is important for at least four reasons:

Continue reading

Redux: Spoetry

Damn, where did the summer go? I’m off this week to enjoy the last of it, and I hope you’ll take some time away from the internet too. But since you’re here, please enjoy this spoetry, courtesy of LWON’s spammers. 

It’s commenter appreciation day here at Last Word on Nothing. If you’ve ever wondered why there’s a delay when you leave a note in the comments section, it’s because live human beings monitor them. We reject spam and nastygrams.

But those poor spambots try so hard that today I think it’s time to recognize their efforts. The following spoems are crafted entirely of spam left in the comments section of LWON (and one disconcerting spam I found in my own email inbox). If you doubt the literary nature of spam, consider this announcement from the Spam Poetry Institute:

“Using state-of-the-art spam poetry analysis tools, our staff has determined that some of the spam-embedded poetry that we’ve received actually corresponds to parts of Jules Vernes’ classic 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. These spammers, working independently, have begun to weave the fabric of one of the greatest works of literature. We will continue to monitor this remarkable phenomenon and will provide updates as we identify subsequent passages from that great book.”

Continue reading

Fiction, part 2: Multiverse in the balance

Read Part 1 of this story

Eventually, Milon Tusk escaped the smart home of the unhappily deceased Dieter Peel. This process had not been straightforward. Everything inside the fortified compound was voice-controlled, including windows and doors. He had tried imitating Peel’s voice, jimmying the locks, and at one low point, throwing a chair at the wall of windows overlooking the bay, only to watch it bounce jauntily off the bullet- and blast-proof security glass. However, once he had managed to prise the smartwatch off Peel’s wrist, just beginning to stiffen against his body, Tusk’s luck improved.

Now free, he wasn’t so sure why he had been so eager to leave. He lurched through the uneven sand toward the ephemeral creatures holding the giant earth-corer in place. He no longer cared whether they saw him. “Come on, you bastards!” he screamed into the sky. 

He quickly began to care again when it became evident that he had gotten his wish. From far up atop one of the jellyfish, a drone detached itself and glided into an investigatory descent. It started out as a dark speck against the brightly lit monstrosity, becoming gradually bigger as it whizzed toward him. Tusk started running when it got big enough for its features to become identifiable, because these features included eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Continue reading

Redux: New Yorkers, I Am Watching You

Cameras

This post is now over two years old but the channel is still active and the conversation about surveillance hasn’t gone away (understatement of the year?). I no longer live in New York City, but I’m still watching you, New Yorkers.

__

I recently wrote a story for The Atlantic about a question that I have been obsessed with for a long time: How many photographs am I in, in the world? It’s something that has bugged me for years, and before you chalk this up to pure narcissism, here’s a fact: Facebook can now identify you in photos in which your face doesn’t appear with 83 percent accuracy. Your clothes, your slouch, your tilted head, they all give you away. Let loose on the entire Internet, Facebook’s algorithm could find me, and perhaps provide me with some beginnings of an answer to this question.

But without access to that powerful, if creepy, system, I couldn’t come to any real estimate in the piece. And that’s partially because there are so many more forms of image capturing going on than the form I had originally thought of. Sure, there are people with their cameras snapping pictures all the time. But there are also other lenses looking at you too, from the corners of buildings, from mall hallways, from drones or hidden in teddy bears. And you never quite know who is watching you on those things. It might be me. And for some people in New York, it is actually me.

Continue reading