Alaska Calling

Arizona winter night, stars over pines, my buddy and I were heading for a hot tub on the outskirts of Flagstaff when a phone rang. It was a mutual friend, Jayme Dittmar, a dog musher on a 1,300-mile expedition by dog sled from Nome, Alaska, to the village of Utqiagvik on Point Barrow. She was calling to check in from Teller, an Inupiat village on a spit of land sticking into the Bering Sea, population 200 plus change. We stopped our advance toward the hot tub to chat with her on speaker.

They’d arrived in Teller just as darkness and a storm settled in. How are the dogs was our first question, knowing how close she gets to them. She said they’re Alaskan huskies, they live for this, curling into a ball, making a snow cave of themselves as they are buried by the storm. I imagined holes in the snow rimed with the steam of their breathing.

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Flipping the Script

“Freak.” “Monster.” “Gorilla.” During this year’s Super Bowl Sunday, Shakira and J-Lo were not the only hyperboles on show. Both the official sports commentary and its online counterparts were littered with back-handed terms of admiration tinged with disgust. Why is it, I wondered, that these off-putting words are preferred over unambiguous compliments like ‘exceptional athlete’ and ‘outstanding contender’?

In writing this, of course, I’ve answered my own question. Undiluted positivity is boring. Even the Webster’s New World Thesaurus entry for the word “prodigy” carries these new terms, reappropriated by the muscular freakshow talents of this world: “prodigy n. marvel, portent, miracle, monster, enormity, spectacle, freak, curiosity, phenom.” (emphasis mine)

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Ask Mr. Cosmology

On October 25, 2010, LWON welcomed a new occasional feature, “Ask Mr. Cosmology,” which invites readers to contribute to a mailbag full of questions about…The Wonders of the Universe! This entry comes from March 26, 2012.

Q: Can neutrinos travel faster than light?

Mr. Cosmology: Depends what you mean by “light.” Light, as in light rail? Yes. Light, as in electromagnetic radiation? Almost certainly not. Light, as in light beer? Definitely not; that stuff will zip right through you.

Q: You’ve met a lot of cosmologists. What are they like?

Mr. Cosmology: They sit around in their underwear all day, they’re drunk by 3 in the afternoon, and their idea of a good time is chasing squirrels off the garage roof with a baseball bat.

Q: Really?

Mr. Cosmology: Oh, wait. Sorry—Mr. Cosmology was thinking of the next-door neighbor when he was growing up.

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Update: Underwater Photography

Yellow barrel sponge, underwater, surrounded by sand and soft corals.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about practicing underwater photography on the junk at the bottom of the public pool – band-aids, mostly – and my hope that I would find something better to photograph in Belize.

Good news: I did. I saw a ton of lovely fish, some sea turtles, and a lot of really neat sponges. And not a single rogue band-aid.

My photos aren’t the most spectacular underwater photos that have ever been taken, but they are the most mine, and I love them.

A Flamingo tongue mollusk on a bare stalk of soft coral.
A diver silhouetted behind a coral fan.
This feels like some kind of underwater cliche, but I guess I have to get through the cliches before I can take good pictures.
A fish looks out of a sponge.
Big sponge, grumpy fish.

Photos: Me.

The Ungovernable Rodent

In the early 1930s, Britain found itself at war. The “invading armies” were “vicious (and) destructive,” threatened “man’s dominion of the earth,” and seemed capable of propagating at almost supernatural speeds. Politicians denounced the assailants in the House of Commons and the House of Lords. Scientists, called in to manage the unfolding debacle, prophesied utter devastation. “No limits other than the coasts can now be put with certainty to the infested area,” lamented one observer.

And what was the vile alien hellbent on conquering the British Isles? As the environmental historian Peter Coates reports in a delightful recent paper, it was that most ferocious, indefatigable, calamitous of beasts: the North American muskrat. 

Muskrats — stout semiaquatic rodents, the size of teacup poodles, that excavate burrows, build lodges, and mark territories with their namesake scent — had been introduced to Britain in the late 1920s to provide cannon fodder for the fur industry. Although initially confined in a 60-acre pool behind mesh fencing, the critters (which aren’t actually rats) didn’t much tolerate captivity, and quickly gnawed their way to freedom. Soon wild ‘skrats were roaming Shropshire and Sussex, burrowing into canal walls and streambanks, and reproducing like, well, rodents. 

Commence public freak-out: The invaders, zoologists and journalists predicted, would undermine railroads, breach dams, destroy flood defenses, transmit diseases, and just generally smear the weird gross stink of America around the bucolic British countryside. Back in their native environs, scientists averred, they’d been constrained by carnivores and cold weather. By contrast, Britain’s mild climate and predator-free landscapes would create a perfect Petri dish. There were thousands at large; no, hundreds of thousands; no a million. The rodents, Coates writes, had been “reborn through self-release, producing an unpredicted, unsanctioned beastly place widely characterized as “muskrat country.”

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Sweaty Monkeys

The people around me often have burning questions. (This happens to other People of LWON as well. ) These people are often very upset that I do not know the answer. Why do I not know, for example, exactly what would happen if the center of the earth explodes? Why do I not know how many light years it is from here to that star? Why do I not know what’s for dinner?

I have a backlog of questions, but I have finally found the answer to one I was asked four years ago. At the time, it was extremely urgent, at least until someone asked why Peter couldn’t come over to play. But now, I give you. . . do monkeys sweat?

Yes. At least, some of them do.

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Actually, Frankenstein was a baker

Danger: Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying
Is this sign about electricity or gluten-free bread?

Look, nobody *likes* gluten-free food. It’s a necessary evil for some, and there’s a whole conversation about how many people actually need to be eating it. Which I am absolutely swerving here today! Instead, today I’m going to tell you about the scientists who were so desperate to create edible gluten-free baked goods that they electrocuted their dough like it was Frankenstein’s monster.

Bread is apparently the most difficult food to make without gluten. You may have had experiences with GF breadstuffs, but if not, let the people of LWON tell you. “I have eaten gluten-free muffins twice,” says Ann. “The first time because they had stuff in them that I liked, the second time because I couldn’t believe they would be that bad. But they were. They really are not food, they are muffin-shaped despair.” Okay so muffins are out, but what about bread? “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to try any other gluten free food.”

“I have tried gluten-free bread,” volunteers Jennifer. “No taste, texture all wrong, sand and rubble wrapped in a hand towel, nothing really good about it.”

“Gluten-free bread is super good in relation to eating cardboard,” says Erik, a self-described “glutard” (their word, not mine). “But it’s not so good when compared to actual bread.” This may explain why, he says, “we glutards swap our favorite bread brands like rare baseball cards. Because deep down we are all under the delusion that we might find one that doesn’t suck.”

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