The Last Word On Nothing

I have noticed a disturbing trend on the internets recently. A series of videos, pictures, and posts have portrayed the duck-billed platypus as an adorable, lovable creature. As if it is some cute little bundle of playful, ticklish fun. They’ve even been given a cute little web nickname of “puggle.” In fact, I might go so far as to say the platypus is on the verge of becoming the web’s new hedgehog. This needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

The duck-billed platypus – often called “nature’s mistake” or “holy crap, what is that freaky thing” by scientists – is not a toy, not a pet, and not even remotely safe. You see, platypuses (or “platypi,” as they are called by people who also use the word “octopi”) have a deadly secret.

Platypi are poisonous. That’s right, platypuses regularly use poisons that can kill you. I know what you are thinking – actually I have no idea what you are thinking because most of LWON’s readers are far smarter than myself. But I can guess at what you might be thinking. “Erik,” you are thinking, “you’ve used the wrong word. You mean ‘venomous,’ referring to the sharp spurs on the back leg of the platypus that can put full-grown humans in the hospital.”

No, I mean poisonous. What follows is a secret that governments and big businesses around the world don’t want you to know. A secret that may put my own life at risk but as a science journalist I feel is my duty to share. Yes, platypi are the world’s only venomous mammal (that alone should give you pause before cooing over them). And yes, the word “poisonous” refers to compounds that are ingested whereas venomous refers to injections (like snake fangs or platypus spurs).

But the platypus is also poisonous. In fact, throughout history platypae have acted as nature’s political killers, dropping lethal concoctions into unsuspecting people’s food for thousands of years. Historically, these furry creatures have favored poisons like strychnine, arsenic, and cyanide. More recently, though, they have shifted to things like codeine, heroin, even radioactive heavy metals. But almost always as a form of political assassination.

Legend has it that patypusia slipped poison into the food and drink of famous figures all the way back to Socrates, who allegedly drank hemlock that was mixed by a platypus named Ornithórynchos. Hemlock is often called “beaver poison” presumably because one of the philosopher’s friends mistook the furry creature mixing the herbs for a beaver. Out of spite, Ornithórynchos supposedly slipped another dose in the poor man’s tea the next day and the name stuck.

Platypii have similarly been implicated in the killing of Romonus II, the attempted killing of Queen Elizabeth I, and the murder of several Medicis on behalf of Lucrezia Borgia. In the 1900s there has been credible evidence that Jane Stanford, widow to Leland Stanford of Stanford University, befriended several platypuses in the weeks before she was poisoned with strychnine.

Starting in the 1980s, nefarious government agencies began utilizing the talents of this furry Australian monotreme to do tasks that they could not officially do themselves. Alexander Litvinenko, the Ukrainian journalist who made a career exposing corruption was seen in a bar drinking alongside a “furry, odd-looking creature” in the hours before he was hospitalized for radiation poisoning from polonium-210.

Likewise, platypuses have not been ruled out in the attempted assassination of Ukranian president Viktor Yushchenko in 2004, who was well known to have a soft spot for all furry egg-laying animals.

Some scientists say that the creature’s natural use of venom along with its unusual ability to sense electricity may contribute to its talent with lethal chemicals. Others say that with a body temperature 9 °F below most mammals, it’s just a cold-blooded bastard. So go on, tickle that adorable little platypus. Cuddle with the puggle if it makes you happy. But if you have any food in your pocket while you do, you might want to think twice before you eat it.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock