The last year has been foundation-shaking for me. I went from two parents to zero in less than seven months and I’m trying to figure out exactly how life works now. Soon after the second parent died, my region was plunged into a miserable heat wave that lasted more than a week and made it hard to do anything other than sit inside and feel bad and wonder if this is just what summers are like now, if this is our new climate, and here I am, facing it parentless.
But the heat wave went away and the other evening it rained. I sploshed barefoot in the temporary stream down the middle of the alley, in the rain and the sun, and looked for a rainbow.
I realize that eventually finding yourself with zero parents is the correct order of things. But how on earth do people do it? Because, so far, I don’t like it.
Photo: Helen Fields, obviously
I did not lose my parents in the same year, but one does (as your *logical* self likely tells you already) adjust slowly. Feel sad. Miss them. Look through old and new photos and whatever odds ‘n ends each had saved for their memories and cry some more. Suddenly, you realize there are bits of family history details from their ‘pre-you’ days which you never thought to ask them and no longer can and feel sad all over again.
I will always miss them, but now my emotions are less immediate – just a soft sadness.
I wish you the best getting through it.
I’ve only lost one thus far, and it was 20+ years ago, and it was the hardest thing ever. There is really nothing I can think of to like about it. But it is survivable and eventually, you will get to the place Kat describes aptly, above, as “soft sadness.” Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Holding you in the light.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Nearly a decade ago, my wife and I lost all four of our parents within 20 months. It was two years of just going to funerals. My parents were in their eighties and both had been in terrible health for years. My wife’s parents were about a decade younger and died relatively quickly. It was a very difficult time.
As far as I can tell, there’s no right way to deal with the loss of a parent. I like to talk about my parents and to remember them, as sad as that can be. My wife prefers not too, it’s just too painful for her. My way is no better than hers, or vice versa.
For me, the one thing that has taken the sting out of the loss is, uncomfortably enough, getting to an age at which I am feeling my own mortality. The loss is still immense. But, time now feels short, and there’s a lot more I want to do and experience with my three score and twelve. And realizing that I’m going to be gone soon enough–much sooner than I’d like, I anticipate–has made me think about things differently.
This may sound too facile, but I figure that if I they could see me now, my parents would not want to see me paralyzed with grief. I’m pretty sure they’d want me to make the most of how many good years I may have left.