This is from 2020, but who cares? The pandemic is probably still happening [Ed.: def still happening] [Ed.: how can this be] [Ed.: pls explain] so we need this perspective again. Plus, cute animal pictures. You’re welcome.
When I look in the mirror, though everything is mildly blurry, I can’t not see the signs of aging I used to think might miraculously skip me—back when I was being carded in bars (at 43!!). But there they all are, the sags and swollen bits, the divots and wrinkles, the spots and stiff (and very sudden) stray hairs. (Silver lining of the pandemic? Masks. The bigger the better.)
I know, I know…I’ve complained about these annoyances before, yadda yadda, and the denial, anger, begging, and sadness should be long over; I should just accept what can’t be changed, embrace it, even. But I’m still treading water between pissed off and pleading. Damn you, roly-poly extra-padded parts and damn you, parts that are all skin, no pad! Damn you 50+ neck, you abomination! (If you tighten up I promise to stop denying the duct tape-belly roll incident, as a public service.)
How unfortunate, too, is the fate of the nose and ears when you add time to the mix. I’d always heard they look bigger on older people because they never stop growing, but the truth is more tragic: They look supersize because gravity is a monkey that swings from every appendage, and after decades the cartilage finally breaks down and gives in to the stretch and droop. Far-reaching schnoz and earlobes like clown feet? It’s my destiny. (I’ve seen the photos of my Granny. Bless her heart.)
Meanwhile, you’d think after so many years looking at animals this would have occurred to me sooner, but here is my new revelation: The traits I hate the most in my aging self are, on other animals, friggin’ adorable. Have you seen a basset hound’s ears? A panda’s tummy? A baby elephant’s scribbly skin and a mastiff’s low-hanging jowls? Does anyone see an eagle’s beak and think “she should have gotten that done years ago”? I submit that no one has.
If I were truly brave I’d juxtapose the following images with pictures of the relevant parts on myself, but I’m choosing to leave it to your imagination. Now, try to be nice.
—
I guess I’ll end it there.
[Thanks to UNSPLASH for the delightful photos.]
Hahahaha, brilliant. But of course it’s a privilege to get older imho.