The Last Word On Nothing

My first experience with automated transcription happened a decade ago. In 2010 I joined Google Voice and started getting transcripts of my voicemails. The results were, not surprisingly, underwhelming. Back then, most speech recognition software was underwhelming. Here’s my first transcript:

Hi Cassandra, this is Anna 10 calling to run. Thank you for the science now on a call if they were at. Just two little things that we were hoping you might be able to rephrase I’m gonna send you an email and let you know to see if it’s possible. I think both She She, Syria and, got the call, or felt a little bit. I’ve left out of the article so. I will send you an email. Thanks bye bye.

Thanks, Anna 10. Let’s loop in She She and Syria and circle back.

But oh how times have changed. AI got good. AI got astonishingly good. So good it is now, gasp!, useful. More than useful. For journalists, automated transcription tools have been a godsend. (You can find a comparison of various services here.)

These tools are good, but none of them are perfect. Some, in fact, are hilariously imperfect. Here I present a bevy of AI bloopers.* Enjoy. (And please add your own bloopers in the comments!)

THEY SAID, AI HEARD:

“He’s a research scientist postdoc.” = “He’s a research scientist narwhal.”

“I’m a data scientist turned entrepreneur.” = “I’m a dinosaur sharpener.”

“our basic direction …” = “our basic erection … “

“He’s the visionary who — hang on a sec … oh man.” = “He’s the visionary who had sex with a man.”

“You get a massive pH change.” = “I have a massive PhD.”

“Cranes really love corn.” = “Cranes really love porn.”

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR

Transcribed voicemail from a doctor’s office:

“Hi, this is Lisa with Dr. Panties Off and Associates . . .”

From an interview about air filtration:

“If the filter slot on your furnace isn’t well sealed, Eric can get sucked in without ever passing through the filter.”

From an interview about jaguars and capybaras:

“It’s going to be a slaughterhouse for the copywriters when the jaguars come out.” “The scientists are collecting the copywriter’s pellets so they can monitor their stress levels.”

From an interview about dingoes:

“Dingdongs are often considered pests by farmers due to attacks on livestock, and herbivores like kangaroos and feral goats tend to stay away from areas roamed by dingdongs.”

From an interview about manatees:

“It’s great to go to a river where you didn’t think there was panties and get a detective sample and say, ‘Oh wow, okay. Yes.'”

From an interview about cancer mutations:

“What we found is a patient with a mutation of a suspected terrible Chinese communism for 117 months.”

That time I got the dog’s name (a Shih Tzu):

“His name is Rory. R. O. R. Y. Yeah. He’s a cute little shit too. He’s tiny.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Sometimes automated transcription works perfectly but the phone connection fails. Here are a few transcripts from dropped or spotty calls. (Aren’t we all desperately shouting “hello” into the void at this point?)

Hello?

Speaker A: Can you can still hear me?

Speaker B: Yeah, I lost you there for a second, but I can hear you now. Can you hear me? Sorry.

A: Hello? Yes, I can hear you.

B: Oh, now you can. Okay. Yes, I lost you for a little moment. But I have you back now. So you were saying you research how emotion affects bodily function reaction?

Ack

A: Ack hello?  

A: Oh no

A: Did I lose you?

A: Oh noooo.

A: This is terrible… 

Shoot

A: Wait a minute. Last point. Can you explain that?

A: Oh, did I lose you?

A: Hello.

A: Shoot.

A: Can you still hear me?

——————–

*Big thanks to the many women who provided bloopers for me to include!

Image courtesy of Tim Green via Flickr