The Last Word On Nothing | If I Were a Shar Pei, My Wrinkles Would Be Delightful

When I look in the mirror, though everything is mildly blurry, I can’t not see the signs of aging I used to think might miraculously skip me—back when I was being carded in bars (at 43!!). But there they all are, the sags and swollen bits, the divots and wrinkles, the spots and stiff (and very sudden) stray hairs. (Silver lining of the pandemic? Masks. The bigger the better.)

I know, I know…I’ve complained about these annoyances before, yadda yadda, and the denial, anger, begging, and sadness should be long over; I should just accept what can’t be changed, embrace it, even. But I’m still treading water between pissed off and pleading. Damn you, roly-poly extra-padded parts and damn you, parts that are all skin, no pad! Damn you 50+ neck, you abomination! (If you tighten up I promise to stop denying the duct tape-belly roll incident, as a public service.)

How unfortunate, too, is the fate of the nose and ears when you add time to the mix. I’d always heard they look bigger on older people because they never stop growing, but the truth is more tragic: They look supersize because gravity is a monkey that swings from every appendage, and after decades the cartilage finally breaks down and gives in to the stretch and droop. Far-reaching schnoz and earlobes like clown feet? It’s my destiny. (I’ve seen the photos of my Granny. Bless her heart.)

Meanwhile, you’d think after so many years looking at animals this would have occurred to me sooner, but here is my new revelation: The traits I hate the most in my aging self are, on other animals, friggin’ adorable. Have you seen a basset hound’s ears? A panda’s tummy? A baby elephant’s scribbly skin and a mastiff’s low-hanging jowls? Does anyone see an eagle’s beak and think “she should have gotten that done years ago”? I submit that no one has.

If I were truly brave I’d juxtapose the following images with pictures of the relevant parts on myself, but I’m choosing to leave it to your imagination. Now, try to be nice.

…

Bloodshot eyes and facial droop. Hilarious and cute! Nobody will wonder what you did last night (and then judge you harshly for mixing alcohol and Valium). No one will wonder how you’d look with a Joan Rivers skin knot at the back of your head. (Turn to tighten.) Can you believe this dog won a prize for superior ugliness. Noooo!

You are an adorable alien! The ears, the neck wrinkles–just part of your charm. You be you!

Those wiry whiskers were’t already an inch long when you first spied them jutting out from the side of your face, and look how nice and balanced they are. Plus, they actually have a function! How nice for you.

So many chins. But no need to sit lower than your camera for the Zoom call–you are a delight!

No plastic surgeon ever told you that to get rid of the eye bags he’d have to cut away a triangle of skin and then yank up your cheek skin and sew it under your lash line! Because each loop around the eye is a chapter in the tome of your amazing face! (Nice “nose,” too. Not too big. Just right.)

Your crazy brows, ear hair, and ‘stache-beard suit you, girl; don’t even think of waxing, plucking, or shaving. Nobody will point and giggle in a mean way.

What cute freckles! No need to get them checked for squamous cells!

No, those stripes don’t make your ass look big! You can get away with lines in any direction, you style maven!

Now all the other animals want ridiculously large ears, too! Because of how cute they are on you, obviously.

Those dark circles really pop! You don’t look tired and mid-life weary at all. That’s definitely not smeared mascara or last night’s smoky eye.

Fab faces, glorious fat rolls, noses like big (cute) buttons. Even the farting is adorable.

Wisdom lines. Beautiful! No need to moisturize, and no dermatologist will tell you the treatment involves a neurotoxin and a needle.

Puffy, hairy cheeks are precious! It wouldn’t occur to anyone that you are on Prednisone for some kind of weird rash!

I guess I’ll end it there.

Photos free from UNSPLASH, thanks to Tiago Vasconcelos, Deeleece Cook, Ariana Suarez, Linnea Sandbakk, Imre Tomosvari. Seeking sources/permission for droopy dog, fennec fox, and bunny.