The Last Word On Nothing

Day 1
11 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Well, the freezer and pantry are PACKED! I have enough frozen spinach and canned beans to last me into the next century. Time to settle in for the long haul!

2:00 p.m.

I could swear I bought way more coffee than this.

4 p.m.

Heading to 7-11 for stringcheese and Snocaps.*

5 p.m.
What do you mean Snocaps aren’t a thing anymore? Stopping by the Super-Plex candy counter. This is a candy emergency!

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Day 2
9 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Big plans for today—gonna finally empty out the closets and make a giant pile for Goodwill. It’s going to feel SO GOOD to pare down and clear out. I’m super excited!

2 p.m.
Lying on the bed atop mounds of clothes and can’t stop crying. How can I let go of my “raunchy teeshirt” collection from high school? And I found the suit I bought for my very first job interview more than two decades ago. I can’t pull the pants up beyond my knees anymore but you never know when you’ll need a suit, right? And I can use the shoulder pads for something…maybe to stuff a bra or throw pillow.

3:30 p.m.
Heading to the Container Store for hangers and tubs for clothing storage. I’ll hold my breath at the check-out counter, I promise!

—–
Day 3
10 a.m.

Dear Diary,
I’ve been dying to do some real baking for years; now I finally have time and all the ingredients! Gonna bake up a storm and put it away for a “rainy day”…nothing tastes better during the Apocalypse than a home-made brownie!

2:30 p.m.
Ate the entire pan of brownies and then finished off the open bag of chocolate chips. (Didn’t want them to get stale!) Dropped the cooling loaf of banana bread on the kitchen floor and the dog got it. I managed to salvage about ¼ of it. Not really enough to bother freezing, so I’ll eat it for breakfast tomorrow.

3:30 p.m.
Heading to CVS for Pepto Bismol. Using old Starbucks napkin to open doors.

Day 4
10 a.m.

Dear Diary, 

This is it: I’m going to do this 1,000-piece puzzle, finally! I cleared off the big table and got myself a cup of tea; ready or not!!

1:30 p.m.
Have completed about 1/4 of one edge and separated out all the pieces with red in them.

3:00 p.m.
Got another ¼ of that edge done and spilled my tea on the red pile…some pieces are swollen and don’t want to go together. But I’m forging ahead! Not a quitter!!

4:30 p.m.
Whose idea was it to buy a puzzle called “Red Things”? Not making the progress I’d hoped, but I’ve still got some umph left…let’s do this!!

7 p.m.
I hate the color red, myself, and everyone I know. Taking Tylenol for my headache and pouring another glass of wine. But damn it, determined to AT LEAST FINISH THIS EDGE.

9 p.m.
…….

Day 5

9 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Who knew there were SO MANY great exercise videos online for free!? Finally, I can do something really good for myself. Zumba in the morning, yoga at night—I’ll be in the best shape of my life! Got my sweats on, ready to go!

7 p.m.
I can’t believe I’d missed all those seasons of The Bachelor! (Can you believe what Jason did to Melissa??) And honestly, the Sopranos is almost as good the second time around. May start Downton Abbey…just one episode and then BED.

7:20 p.m.
Out of Pringles. Just a quick Safeway run! I’ll wear gloves!

8:30 p.m.
Took a break from D.A. to scrape puzzle pieces into the trash. (The tea ruined most of them anyway.)

11:45 p.m.
Whoops, forgot about that yoga video. Maybe tomorrow, after another season of D.A.?

Day 6

10:00 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Gotta take a break from the TV! Probably wouldn’t hurt to order just a few things…amazing how fast I’m going through all the good stuff. Must go easy, I kinda overspent the first time around. But needs are needs.

12:00 p.m.
I love ETSY! Have you seen the stuffed toys shaped like body organs? What fun! In times like these we gotta get our smiles somehow. And if I’m gonna have the liver and pancreas, it makes sense to get the kidneys and heart. (The intestines are like adorable snakes! SOLD!)

3:00 p.m.
Is 30 pounds of bacon a lot? I guess I’ll find out when it arrives.

5:00 p.m.
I’ve always wanted to play the ukulele! Can’t wait for it to come…this time I’m going to STICK TO IT and really learn the fingering.

8:00 p.m.
Whew, now THAT was a rabbit hole! I never should have typed in “best products for wrinkles.” I’m really excited to try all the products—I’m going to do a serious spa day. And I only picked the ones that guaranteed results (not an idiot!!), plus I saved money by signing up for auto-refills. (I hated giving out all that bank account info, but hey, if it saves time later, super.) I’m gonna look fantastic at the end of this pandemic!

8:30 p.m.
Running out for pupusas before the restaurant closes. Wrapped a scarf around my face!

Day 7

Dear Diary,

Are we there yet?

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*wee chocolate drops with white sprinkles like snow on top, from back in the ’70s-80s, when we used to GO TO MOVIES. Absolute necessity if no Raisinets left. Best if eaten in same bite as popcorn.

Photo by Nery Zarate from Unsplash