One day Erik and I were chatting happily about birds and birdfeeders, all sweet reason and collegiality. Then he said he’d found a squirrel-proof birdfeeder. And the conversation turned dark. Words were said in haste. We eventually calmed down enough to state our cases in a pleasant, civilized manner.
[NOW WITH UPDATES. See below*]
E: It’s a question of thumbs. I have them and squirrels do not. Thus, I believe that I will prevail over these horrible hairy creatures. I mean, okay, technically squirrels have little thumb-like digits. But they are gross, so they don’t count.
A: We completely agree about the nature and character of squirrels. Where we disagree is over whether thumbs make any difference. Squirrels are smarter than we are. Can we instantly calculate the distance, velocity, and gravitational drag necessary to leap from one tree to another and nail it every time? We can not. So when you tell me you have a birdfeeder that squirrels can’t outsmart, I can place no faith in your account.
E: Technically I have three birdfeeders. And a plate of rotten bananas that the internet says attracts waxwings. And while, yes, the local squirrel seems to access them with ease, that’s about to change. We put people on the moon. Not me personally, but my species did. Do you see any acorns buried in the lunar dust? No, you don’t. I’m confident I can beat a squirrel. FYI – there are SO many good videos on YouTube.
A: Internet videos are not evidence. I have been collecting evidence for decades. I hung a birdfeeder on the branch of a full-grown maple, strung a thin wire from a high branch to the feeder, maybe 50,000 feet of wire. Squirrels went down it headfirst, like up/down was the same as across, made no difference to them, and ate all the birdfeed.
E: So a friend offered me a couple free birdfeeders. For some reason, I feel more compelled to use something given to me than if I bought it. It’s like I’d be letting them down if I didn’t. I brought it home to dozens of grateful birds and one greedy tree rat, who immediately sacked it like a Mongol horde at a birthday party. And it, as they say, was on.
A: I didn’t finish telling you my evidence. Then a friend gave me a pinwheel to nail to the tree, attach an ear of corn to each arm of the pinwheel, a squirrel perching on the arm to eat the corn gets pinwheeled off. The squirrels didn’t care, they just went around with the pinwheel and ate all the corn. So now, tell me about this famous birdfeeder that no squirrel can access. It involved a slinky? I can’t quite picture it.
E: Slinkies and duct tape are the two greatest things thumb-havers have ever invented. You attach one side of the slinky to the pole holding the feeders and let the other dangle down. The varmint tries to climb the slinky and drops like a bear on a bungee cord (hilarious video here). Checkmate.
A: Mm-hmm. And then?
E: Well, then the squirrel found a screw farther down the pole that he hooked to the bottom of the slinky, turning it from bungee cord to ladder.
A: That’s what I’m talking about. You do know what you’re up against here? the kind of skill that can cause the failure of the electrical grid? This is a real quote by an ex-spy: “I don’t think paralysis [of the electrical grid] is more likely by cyberattack than by natural disaster. And frankly the number-one threat experienced to date by the US electrical grid is squirrels.” – John C. Inglis, Former Deputy Director, National Security Agency 2015.07.09
E: So I put duct tape on the screw, making it impossible to hook a slinky to. I must admit that it was surprising how quickly they had found a weakness. But it kind of reinforced the idea that as long as the slinky is working it keeps them off. Their trick is to disable the slinky. Which is a delightful phrase, if you think about it. Now checkmate.
A: 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
E: Then the squirrel started reaching through the slinky to the pole and climbing. So I put some slippery PVC pipe around the pole. See? So far, so good.
A: I really appreciate your inventiveness and determination. I’ll sit quietly and wait.
E: Okay, the little fluffy-tailed demon hamster got up the PVC pipe. Should have used steel. Anyway, I’ve now attached a longer PVC to an actual bungee cord so that the whole thing drops when the critter crawls on it. It’s all on the internet, I swear it will work.
If that fails, I’ll put chili paste or Vaseline on the PVC. And if that fails, I’ve ordered a metal cone designed to block the squirrel.
A: I know for an experimental fact that the metal cones don’t work. Squirrels slide down them, reach the edge, then jump onto the birdfeeder. And eat all the birdfeed. I’m sorry we can’t keep this post going until the squirrels win definitively and you acknowledge losing.
E: Okay, but my cone will be under the feeders, which means gravity is working against them. Checkmate! Surely, that, plus the slinky, plus the PVC, plus whatever else I find on the internet will work. I will prevail. I have the thumbs. There are no acorns on the moon.
A: I have to leave now. I’m turning off the lights and closing the door.
E [alone in the dark]: Hmm, maybe I need a taller pole. Or a metal slinky. Yes! That will do it.
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*UPDATES:
May 22, 2019 at 12:35 pm
E: It has been five days since we discussed this. Currently my cone/PVC/slinky combination has proven effective. The dirty little rodent is forced to use his gross little hands on the seeds the birds toss away.
May 23, 2019 at 9:52 am
E: Cancel that last update. Dammit.
Maybe a bigger baffle…
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Top photo by Rachid H, via Flickr