The Last Word On Nothing

The robots are coming. You know this. You’ve read the headlines, you’ve seen the movies. Her, Ex Machina, Terminator. You’ve seen the sleek, lithe, brilliant bots of the future. They’re sexy, even the ones that aren’t explicitly meant to be. We fear them, we’re drawn to them. Look at that smooth glass, that chrome, that unparalleled intellect, that limitless processing power.

Screw that.

I’m here to argue that the robots we should love the most are the rickety ones. The ones that make us squirm and laugh. The ones that only sort of work, that are totally unconvincing, that are glitchy and weird and awkward.

I’m thinking of things like the animatronic animal band a Chuck-E-Cheese. That series of huge, furry, awkward animals pretending to play instruments. You can hear their metal joints move as they jolt between positions. Here they are covering Taylor Swift’s, I Knew You Were Trouble.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdHyHwG8qXQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TKWOwj-JfI

Or the animatronic Lyndon B. Johnson at the LBJ Memorial Library in Austin, Texas, who alternates between dressed up as a cowboy and dressed up as a president.

Or maybe you prefer the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland.

Or the Tiki Room.

Try to tell me that these animatronics don’t bring you more joy, more delight, than this clean, six-pack sporting, humanoid robot playing ping pong.

Image by Gary Stevens of Hosting Canada

Wouldn’t you rather hang out with the Extreme Dinosaurs, an exhibition full of animatronic dinosaurs that ran in Atlanta for several years?

In the Frequently Asked Questions of the Extreme Dinosaurs website, they answer what you might be wondering. What makes the dinosaurs animatronic, and not robotic? Here’s their answer:

Animatronics is technology used to create machines that represent living things – it “animates” or brings figures to life. This technology is sometimes used in cases when a creature either no longer exists or cannot be presented in live form. Generally, plants and animals as well as prehistoric or mythical creatures are brought to life using animatronics. Robotics technology generally applies to automated machines used for industrial or commercial purposes. Robots designed to imitate humans are called androids.

And in this answer I think we can find some Animatronics “brings figures to life.” Robots are “designed to imitate.” Robots have tasks, they’re build to do jobs, to solve specific problems, to make us more efficient. Animatronics are purely the realm of fun, entertainment, fantasy lands. We can make anything with animatronics, dinosaurs and animal bands and cooky LBJ imitations. There’s no reason for animatronics other than delight.

And, let’s all be honest with ourselves. Slick sexy robots are like super models. They’re like Beyonce. They exist only as a strategic series of mirrors and well crafted story lines. They are, in their own way, talented and beautiful and smart. But they’re also unattainable and largely fictional. You and me, we’re like a band of clumsy, furry . Well, the animatronic one at least. We’re clumsy and confused about a lot of life. We can’t sing or dance. Our jokes fall flat.

This isn’t an insult. Really. Life is much more fun with the blips and creaky joints. And wouldn’t you rather be in an animal band than forced to play Go over and over again until you beat a human? I would.