The Last Word On Nothing

I’ve often wondered who was the first person to tie a knot. Who was that ancient ancestor 10, 20, 100 thousand years ago who first wrapped a strip of animal skin – or maybe some fibrous vine – around itself and realized that it could hold itself together, even hold a person’s weight.

Or hell, after seeing the incredible skill Nemo the orangutan demonstrated building her own hammock, maybe it was a lot earlier than that. But whoever or whatever it was, they struck on one of the great unsung innovations of our species. 

Many years ago I used to teach rock climbing with an outdoor company that, for reasons that will soon be clear, shall remain nameless. In rock climbing, knots are a matter of life and death. It’s not just about the bowline and the half-hitch – those are for amateurs. No rock nerds obsess about Munter/mule hitches, figure eights with bunny ears and Klemheists.

When it came to knots, the only people at the company who could give climbers a run for their money were the sailors. With their nail knots and sheet bends, their halyard hitches and ridiculous single figure eight stopper knots (everyone with any sense knows anything less than a double figure eight is a pointless knot).

The sailors had a great game for teaching kids how to tie all of these knots. They’d pick one of the kids and sit them down in a plastic deck chair while the rest of them took scraps of rope and tied him up.

Any knots they wanted, as many as they wanted. By the time they were done the kid in the chair looked a little like a mummy, wrapped in all kinds of half-hitches, overhands, buntlines, bowlines and butterflies.

Only then, once the kids were satisfied there was no escape, did the teacher let the captive struggle. On average, the kid who was tied up got out in about a minute, maybe two. Sometimes, if the class was especially skilled with their knots, it would take five.

You see, it’s nearly impossible to tie someone up with rope and make them stay tied up (as these adorable kids demonstrate). Sure, if you have a little duct tape you can do it, but I’m always shocked how few movies and TV shows opt for that. No, if you need to restrain someone in Hollywood, grab some rope.

And if you do manage to keep them in place (I recommend the trucker’s hitch, and a lot of them) you are going to seriously limit a person’s circulation. Almost all rope stretches a little and in order to make sure it holds, you have to make it really tight. If their are tied up for hours, it’s a good chance they might lose a hand.

Sure, maybe a hectic group of 12-year-olds may not be the best measure for what is possible in this world. But can you honestly say you would fare any better? Try it. Tie up a friend or family member and see how long it takes them to get out.

But be careful. A few months after starting the prisoner game, the sailing class had to stop after a bit of an accident. One of the captives, perhaps assuming he was some kind of superhero who could throw off his bondages in one mighty go, decide to throw all of his weight into the first bit of struggling.

The chair lurched forward with the kid still tied up. Nose met pavement and that was the last time the sailors played the prisoner game.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock, Paramount, and me.