The Last Word On Nothing

When life throws a mean fast pitch at my fragile little hands, I typically catch it and laugh off the burn. But as a woman nearing a certain very plump and meaningful age, my sense of humor is struggling to hold on.

Here’s why. This is a list (from a randomly selected lady blog called Healthline) of the symptoms one might experience during peri-menopause‚ the sometimes years-long warm-up to proper menopause. If you’re a girl in your 40s, you might want to sit down. (Grab a snack first–I know you’re hungry.)

Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling

Irregular heart beat

Irritability

Mood swings, sudden tears

Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

Loss of libido

Vaginal dryness [chicken or egg question applies, with the above]

Crushing fatigue

Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom

Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion

Disturbing memory lapses

Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing

Itchy, crawly skin

Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

Muscle tension

Breast tenderness

Headaches

Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea

Sudden bouts of bloat

Depression [hardly surprising at this point]

Exacerbation of existing conditions

Increase in allergies

Weight gain   [Bonus info: One of various factors that can cause a lady’s lower half to spread is the thyroid-estrogen circle dance. As we gain weight—part of our menopausal duty—we make more estrogen, which drives thyroid function downward, which tells our bodies to store more fat, which leads to more estrogen, and so on. Hypothyroidism is not uncommon in menopausal women. So, add HT to the list.]  

Hair Confusion [my term]: Loss or thinning on the head and pubic area, extra growth on the body and face. [Nice.]

Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, loss of balance

Changes in body odor [that’s a nice way of saying we stink more]

Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head

Tingling in the extremities

Gum problems, increased bleeding

Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor [see body odor comment above]

Osteoporosis (over time)

Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, ‘whooshing,’ buzzing, etc.

……….

Are you getting a kick out of this? Because I’m sweaty and irritable and can’t find my keys, which makes me want to start jabbing things, or people, with a fireplace poker. I’m especially jabby at anyone with a penis who is still chuckling or, worse yet, who nods knowingly and mutters, “Well, that explains why you’ve been so difficult lately.”

It all seems a little unfair. I’ve been researching what happens to men as they age, and comparatively they slip through that middle-to-late section unscathed. Yes, their testosterone may decrease gradually, and so some do experience an assortment of menopause-ish symptoms. But it seems as many get more dignified and handsome over time, and some really old men are even precious, in a hairless-cat sort of way. So much for growing old together.

Experiencing peri-menopause, or going straight to the real thing, hits home that we girls are on this Earth for a very specific reason. Once we’ve made babies, we are supposed to sit back and rock our grandkids in our generous laps and think nothing more of the things we used to enjoy. The science backs this up pretty well: It may well be that menopause evolved in humans because non-fertile ladies helping raise the next generation is good for the species.

Still, not all of us want to look the part of pre-grandma. We’ll try anything: Dieting, expensive creams, liposuction, hair thickeners, tunics to cover unsightly rolls and unbuttoned pants. Some dare to go under the knife, though there are less invasive methods: Just recently FDA approved, one can get a fat-cell-eating chemical injected dozens of times into one’s turkey neck to stop it’s flopping around (for about $1,500 a session). We’ll cram swollen feet into shoes that hurt damn badly but make our calves look less like newly fed snakes. We hit the town in those painful shoes, rarely admitting we’d rather be home in sweats and slippers watching The Good Wife.

One big fat irony is that the most common symptoms of peri-menopause mimic those of pregnancy. So the same bodily changes that tell you you are young and healthy, entering a magical part of your life, will later mean the fun is over and you are lurching toward your final act.

Unless.

There’s almost always an unless! Thank goodness.

Today’s unless goes like this: You have a nice pot of money and perhaps even a terrific spouse—a caring and fun gentleman who loves every fold in your chin and pretends that young women in short skirts are an affront to society. You feel pretty darn healthy (very important) and have the option to travel, during which you’ll sample rich food and sip excellent wine and kick back with your feet on a balcony rail overlooking a postcard-perfect scene. When you’re home, you’ll read excellent books, enjoy restaurants and nature, let someone else clean your house, and play with grandkids only at your convenience.

If this unless applies, then never mind peri-menopause and menopause and beyond. All these bodily adjustments are just a sign that you have taken care of all your responsibilities and can finally relax. They signify that you have arrived.

With that in mind, I have a plan. As I ride out my angst and ire I’ll fill my drawers with loose, brightly colored slacks with elastic waists. I’ll seek out shoes made of clouds. And when, one random Wednesday, I feel an electric zap zap in my brain and have both constipation and a mustache, I’m going to announce to my husband that it’s time to pack up and board a plane for Tuscany. First class. Because I still have things to do.

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Photos: Shutterstock