Today, I’d like to take a small diversion from oceans, placebos and other sciencey stuff to address something far more critical to our future here on Earth.
Lucha Libre.
That’s right, that crazy sport that inspired so much of American pro wrestling and has been shown by researchers to be 5.78 times more awesome. Since moving to Mexico, I have absolutely fallen in love with this wacky, over-the-top, yet somehow totally genuine sport.
On the surface, it’s just another astounding display of physicality and atheticism that makes you question the laws of gravity. But if you listen carefully you can catch clues to understanding a culture that, after living here for four years, still mostly baffles me. So allow me to take a moment and share a few of the life lessons I have taken from the sport.
Not science you say? Hey, look, RadioLab did it, so I can too!
Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned From Lucha Libre
If someone throws you against the ropes it’s best to just bounce off them and run back towards the person who threw you. It will probably work out just fine.- Leaping 10 feet in the air and landing on someone with your chest facing down is not the ultimate expression of human achievement. It just looks that way.
- Bad guys need lots of props and elaborate costumes. That’s why they are bad guys.
- Good guys always get beat up the worst just before they win. Otherwise they wouldn’t be good guys.
- When someone tells you that a match is tag team, most likely it’s actually a free-for-all.
- The more someone cheats, the more the crowd should boo them. But the more it secretly wants them to win.
- Your enemy will give you a chance to catch your breath only as long as it takes to get the audience really excited about the horrible thing that is about to happen to you.
- The worst thing that can ever happen to you is having your mask ripped off. No, the worst thing is getting kissed by a transvestite wrestler as a part of her signature move. No, wait, it’s getting your mask ripped off.
- Why leave the stage quietly when you can just as easily be thrown out head first?
- It’s never too early to start a fight.
- If your friend is getting mercilessly beaten in the ring, before you help out it’s best to make sure the audience knows you are extremely upset about the situation.
- No one listens to the ref. No one.
- Gay wrestlers wear pink leotards. Straight wrestlers wear blue, red, orange or black leotards.
- If you are a woman, it’s sexist and cliché to pull your opponent’s long, exposed hair. Do it anyway.
- It’s okay to be an American. But if you flaunt it, you will be beaten. Hard. And people will cheer.
- If there is a dwarf or little person near the ring, he/she will be thrown. I can’t say if this is a respectful or disrespectful thing. Nonetheless it will happen.
- If you are a foreigner, you probably deserve to lose.
- If you are from one of the Northern Mexican states, you probably deserve to lose.
- No matter how many times it happens, you should always be shocked and outraged when a bad guy cheats.
- If you don’t think the crowd understood the larger lesson of the fight, just grab the microphone and tell us.
Photo Credit: Various. B&W shot by Jan Sochor